my cancer recovery and my thoughts on God.

so I am recovering from the cancer surgery just fine thanks to my powerful and caring medical team,
its been hell on earth, they removed a massive tumor from my left kidney and looked around on my right side for more cancer, I did not think I could survive this, the pain and suffering was beyond comprehension,at times I just wanted to die, death would have been so sweet compared to the pain, I know that so many of you have had to go through this and I am so sorry, I feel for you and I understand, I do not think I will go under the knife again, I just cannot take the pain and suffering, I talked to God and asked all of the really hard questions like why me, and why anyone, why is life so hard and stressful, why did you create such a mess, why did you create anything at all, sometimes I do not believe in the God of the Bible, I believe it to be much more complex then all of that.we live in a very strange and mysterious universe, it is the matrix,so much suffering and pain and stress and depression in the world and way to much violence and killing.I believe we were dropped of f here be other worldly beings long long ago and they have never came back to check up on us, they just go around seeding planets and leave. we will never know how we got here r where we are from or who or what God is, I know one thing for sure I do not want some kind of afterlife, when I die I just want to be dead as a hammer.and stay that way. I am 63 now and have a good home and a wonderful soul mate , you all can friend me on fb , my name is Philip Anderton, I am a little crazy and have PTSD from hell, and I say it like it is , take care all of you, if you do friend me on fb make sure you tell me it was because of this article or I may not except.